The Jive and Live Five – Week 7

The Jive Five

28.   Vikings – Flashes of greatness from Christian Ponder, superstar play from Jared Allen – These guys won’t be here long.

29.   Cardinals – Kevin Kolb seems to have been a bad decision, they are slobbing Kolb!

30.   Dolphins – Up 15-0 with 3 minutes versus the Broncos, and they get a back slap from god himself!  There is no stopping Divine intervention.

31.   Rams – When you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Sam Bradford goes down with an injury. On the bright side, they should get a high draft pick to help out on offense.

32    Colts – Not sure what #5 means to this chick, but I am sure she didn’t paint the number on her body because Kerry Collins wears it.  Maybe it’s the number of dudes she hooked up with this weekend because of the Colts 62-7 loss to the Saints, either way its super hot.  What is not hot is her messy room!  What a slob!

Out of Jive - Jaguars

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Only undefeated team left and winter is approaching, now go try to beat them in Lambeau.

2.      Patriots – Pats, Pats, Pats…  Looks like a 13-3 year or better is inevitable.

3.     49ers – With Cleveland coming into town, looks like the Niners will keep rolling.

4.     Saints – 62-7, nuff said.   

5.      Steelers – Slow start, but Big Ben and the boys are back to their winning ways.

Out of Live – Lions, Ravens 

TJ Lang gets kicked in the NUTS!

In a surprisingly close game Vikings defensive end Brian Robison decided to take a cheap shot at the Packers TJ Lang that his bladder will not forget anytime soon.  Robison received a penalty for unnecessary roughness for putting the crack on Mr. Langs Schwang and caused his team 15 important yards in their 33-27 loss yesterday.  Ouch!

Guru - Week 7 Picks

The Guru went 2-1 last week to bring my season to 6-9, still crappy but creeping back to respectability.

Here are my Week 7 picks:

Steelers -3.5 at the Cardinals - Since the Steelers don't have cheerleaders, this guy took it upon himself to represent the craft!  Terrible, but funny - all joking aside, the Steelers are rolling, while the Cardinals are floundering.  I expect the Steelers to win in a blow out.

Packers -9 @ the Vikings - The best offense in the league vs. an offense run by a rookie quarterback in his first start.  I expect Christian to have a bunch of Ponders and Mistakes as the Pack runs away with the cover victory in Minny.

Denver +2 @ the Dolphins - Miami sucks. Plus - Brandon Marshall couldn't even get kicked out of the game he promised to get kicked out of...  Tebow wins the away home game.

The Jive and Live Five – Week 6

The Jive Five

28.   Jaguars –This team should just move to L.A.

29.   Cardinals –Larry Fitzgerald got his contract, but that’s all he got.  Kurt Warner’s phone is ringing.

30.   Colts – Painter may be painting a life size portrait of Andrew Luck for Jim Irsay.

31.   Rams – The pick up of Brandon Lloyd should help this useless receiving corps, if Sam Bradford can get healthy they may step it up.

32    Dolphins - Matt Moore should change his name to Matt Less.  Good thing the Dolphin fans have girls like this to make life a bit more enjoyable during these rough times.

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Aaron Rodgers has lived up to his billing.  Will be top 3 overall fantasy pick in 2012 if he keeps it up.

2.      Ravens – Next three are Jags, Cardinals and Seahawks.  I don’t see them losing.

3.     Patriots – The Cowboys played them tough, but Brady was Brady again in the final 2 minutes.  

4.     49ers -  Jim Harbaugh may get this team to 13-3 and have a first round bye in the playoffs.  Amazing being they did NOTHING during the off season.

5.      Lions – I am convinced that the Lions lost Sunday’s game because the Booty Lounge was impounded.  Free the Booty Lounge! 

This is what AJ Hawk thinks about you!

After a sack during the Packers lop sided victory over the Rams AJ Hawk let us know what he thinks of us.  Must be the HGH, which I am sure is keeping him on edge. 

Thanks AJ, we needed that!

On a lighter note, AJ is married to Brady Quinn's sister Laura (Below).  It hard to believe but Brady has made this blog two times in a week just by knowing pretty girls - which proves that it's better to know girls than play football well.

The Live and Jive Five - Week 5

The Jive Five

28.   Cardinals – 4 losses in a row has the state of Arizona looking to deport Kevin Kolb to Mexico.

29.   Dolphins – The only thing that kept this team from falling lower is that they had a bye.  Will be 0-5, at NY Jets next week.

30.   Eagles – Holy Moly! Talk about a bad situation.  This team made my Jive Five 2 weeks ago as a joke, but they have lived up to their ranking.  Vick may go back to holding dog fights to get away from this losing team.

31.   Rams – Had a Bye this week, may be the only week they don’t get a loss.  It’s not looking too promising for the 32^nd ranked offense verses the #1 ranked Packers next week.

32    Colts – The above picture explains how Colt fans feel when they wake up every day.

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Big second half by the Pack - if the defense figures it out, it’s over!

2.      Lions – First 5-0 start since 1956, imagine the NFL was still locked out – we would all still think that the Lions suck.

3.      Ravens – Bye week for these guys..  Resting up to put the hammer down on the quick dropping Texans.

4.      Patriots – Not sure if they have a defense, but the offense seems like it can play both sides of the ball if needed.

5.      Saints – Almost took it deep from the Camthers, but they came back like an oral herpes outbreak on Bourbon Street during Marti Gras. 

The Jive and Live Five – Week 4

The Jive Five

28.   Dolphins – Tony Sparano is officially on the chopping block, tough go in the AFC east for the Phins.

29.   Eagles – The 1-3 dream team is playing like a peewee squad.  WTF was Ronnie Brown thinking?

30.   Colts – It’s amazing how much one person can mean to a team.   The Colts suck without Peyton Manning.

31.   Rams – This team has zero offensive threats, it’s going to be a tough year for young Sam Bradford.

32    Vikings – Thought this picture would cheer you Viking fans up.  It was much better than my second choice, which involved Brett Farve, Donovan McNabb, a donkey, a case of Ensure and seat less chaps.

The Live Five

1.       Packers – Aaron Rodgers is your first quarter MVP.

2.       Saints – They are dancing in the urine scented streets of the French Quarter.

3.       Lions – It only took 50 years, but Detroit has finally built a contender.

4.       Ravens – Dismantled the Jets on Sunday night, they made Mark Sanchez look like Matt Leinart.

5.       Texans – Its going to be tough if they are missing big Andre the next few weeks, but the Texans are looking sharp thus far.

The Live and Jive Five - Week 3

On this blog, as you can see, we try to accentuate the faults in professionals.  It’s just more fun to do, so without haste here is my: picks

The Jive Five (AKA the Luck Five)

28.   Eagles – No way they are on this list at the end of the year, but it is fun to put them on here after that terrible loss versus the Giants.  Team is way too overconfident.

29.   Vikings – 3 big first half leads, 3 losses.  Can’t just be bad conditioning.

30.   Colts – The QB situation is probably as bad as it gets, you have an old man and a part time painter to choose from.  They put all their eggs in one basket.

31.   Chiefs – The only one that hasn’t torn an ACL on this team is the coach.  I hear he is looking to get hurt too in order to collect workers comp.

32     Rams – Playing so poorly that even the refs want to punch them in the face.

Here are the top teams in the NFL, not nearly as much fun to write about.

The Live Five

1.       Packers – Top Dogs, they should be Lambeau leaping all year.

2.       Saints – Only blemish is their road loss to the Pack on opening night.

3.       Lions – Came back from 20-0 to beat the Vikings on the road. Lions looking good, Vikings looking real bad.

4.       Ravens – The offense lost a bunch of players, but is looking more potent than ever.

5.       Bills – That’s right! Buffalo beat New England for the first time in 387 attempts.  The Bills now know what all other business owners have known for a while, always target Harvard grads to head your most important business unit.

Week 3 - Pick Results

The Guru and BJ went 0-3 on the competition picks, but BJ made amends with wins on his 2 bonus picks.  The Scholar jumped into 1st place going 2-1, pulling out a cover with the Redskins in the MNF match-up.

	Guru	Scholar	BJ
Pick 1	Falcons +1.5	Chargers -14.5	Chargers -14.5
Pick 2	Steelers -10.5	Packers -3.5	Pats -8
Pick 3	Lions -3.5	Redskins +5.5	Steelers -10.5
Week 3	0-3-0	2-1-0	0-3-0
Season	2-4-0	3-3-0	2-4-0
Bonus	0-0-0	0-1-0	3-0-0



Scholar's Week 3 Picks

Chargers -14.5 vs. the Chiefs

Chiefs have scored 10 points total in both games. They lost their best weapon on offense and it sucked to begin with. Man I feel sorry for Chiefs fans, September and they're already looking forward to the draft in April. It's a tough call with such a large spread but I like the Chargers laying the points. Watch out for the Back-Door cover though.

Packers -3.5 vs. the Bears

Usually these teams play close games. The Pack gave the people who chose them in the King of the Hill pools a scare last week as they were down early to the upstart Panthers. So who knows what's going to happen on Sunday. But the Bears offensive line is doing their best impression of swiss cheese. Cutler won't last long if they don't begin to jell. Packers should cover with ease.

Redskins +5.5 at the Cowboys

If you haven't noticed yet, I really like what I see out of the Washington Redskins this season. Both in fantasy and reality. The Cowboys almost lost to the 49'ers last week and they're pretty banged up. Romo has a rib/lung issue, Dez Bryant is dealing with a quad problem and Felix Jones is already nicked up with a separated shoulder. All 3 will probably be on the field but they will be without Miles Austin. Take the points.

The Live Five - Week 2

1. Packers 2-0 - The undefeated Super Bowl Champs are on top of the rest, nuff said.
2. Pats 2-0 - Offense looks like they are playing college defenses. Like Ocho said, "It's video game sh*t."
3. Jets 2-0 - Defense looks to be the class of the league, not much new there.
4. Lions 2-0 - Handed out all around thumpings the first two weeks (see earlier post).
5. Texans 2-0 - Not 100% sold, but this team may have turned a corner in 2011 - Defense ranked #1.

B.J. the Greek Week 2 Picks

Steelers -14 vs. Seahawks
The Steelers were embarrassed last week by the Ravens 35-7. "We got handled in all three phases of the game." said Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin after the game. Expect Pittsburg to come out motivated after last week’s loss and lay a DRUBBING on Seattle, who lost 33-17 to the 49ers last week and who was shut out in the first half 16-0. Seattle is 2-8 ATS under Pete Carroll in road games. The Steelers will be looking to put the Ravens loss behind them and show most “experts” who picked them to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl that last week’s lopsided loss to the Raven was a fluke. Do not expect much from Seattle’s anemic offense and Tavaris Jackson other than 3 and outs and turnovers. Steelers roll in this game.
* buy down a point to -13
(Steelers 0-1 WL, 0-1 ATS) (Seahawks 0-1 WL, 0-1 ATS)

Packers -9.5 at Panthers
Super Bowl champions against a team that was 2-14 last year. Love the line at -9.5 thanks to an impressive debut by Cam Newton against Arizona. The Cardinals secondary is one of the worst in the league. Expect Green Bay to get to Newton, and Newton to turn the ball over multiple times in this game. Green Bay’s offense was hitting on all cylinders in week 1 against the Saints, where they put up 42 points. The Panthers will be without one of their best defensive players linebacker Jon Beason who suffered season-ending Achilles tendon tear last week against the Cardinals. This one could get ugly as the Packers give Cam Newton a reality check and CRUSH the Panthers.
(Packers 1-0 WL, 1-0 ATS) (Panthers 0-1 WL, 0-1 ATS)

Jets -9.5 vs. Jaguars
Jets defense vs. Luke McCown, I should not have to say anymore, but I will. Do not expect more than 10 points from the Jaguars who scored 16 last week in a 2 point win against the Titans. Jets stuff Maurice Jones-Drew and there are no other options on offense for Jacksonville. Quick, name the two starting wide receivers on the Jaguars?… Didn’t think so. Was impressed with the Jets throwing the ball last week 44 times and opening up the offense. Expect a better game from Shonn Green on the ground, and some big plays from Holmes and Burress. Jets cover EASY.
(Jets 1-0 WL, 0-1 ATS) (Jaguars 1-0 WL, 1-0 ATS)

BONUS - Cowboys ML -150 at 49ers
Why bother with the -3 or buying a ½ of point for -130 when you can get this game at -150 on the ML? Dallas outplayed the Jets for three and a half quarters last week and scored 24 points on a solid Jets defense. I expect the Cowboys to score 24+ this week against the 49ers and win this game straight up. The 49ers did not look good in the red zone last week settling for four field goals. 14 of the 49ers points were scored by Ted Ginn on a 102-yard kickoff and 55-yard punt returns. Not impressed at how the 49ers looked against a bad Seattle Seahawks team. Dallas has better talent with Romo, Austin, Bryant, and Witten. The Cowboys win the eye test based on the performances of both teams last week and WIN in comfortable fashion.
(Cowboys 0-1 WL , 1-0 ATS) (49ers 1-0 WL, 1-0 ATS)

The Guru’s Week 2 Picks

Green Bay -9.5 over Carolina

ARodge, the best homerun hitter in American sports looked sharp last week in his season debut versus the Saints.  It will be more of the same this week when the Superbowl Champions put the hammer down against the CAMthers.

New England -7 over San Diego

The New England offense road off into the sunset last week against the Dolphins, with a record setting performance.   Brady and company will treat the “rowdy, boozed” up New Englanders to another cover win in their home opener.

Cleveland -2.5 over Indianapolis

This pick is based only upon the fact that the Colts quarterback looks like he is 62 years old and that’s the Browns QB’s name is Colt.   Does that mean cover?  Maybe.