Guru - Week 8 Picks

#24 has a raging boner!

The Guru has gone 2-1 two weeks in a row, after a real slow start.  Bringing the season total is now at 8-10.  

Week 8 picks:

Cowboys +3.5 at the Eagles – The Cowboys have a change to put the DREAMgles away for the 2011 season and I think they come out hard on Sunday night. 

Lions -3 at the Broncos – Matt Stafford is a go for Sunday, so the Lions will be at full strength in Denver.  I know I shouldn’t bet against the lord himself, but for some reason I don’t expect divine intervention to kick in this week like it did last week. The Lions are an all around better team and they should beat the Broncos.

Colts +9 at the Titans - The Titans aren’t this impressive.  I actually think the huge money line bet on the Colts is worth a few bucks.  They are trying to get out of my Jive Five.

The Jive and Live Five – Week 7

The Jive Five

28.   Vikings – Flashes of greatness from Christian Ponder, superstar play from Jared Allen – These guys won’t be here long.

29.   Cardinals – Kevin Kolb seems to have been a bad decision, they are slobbing Kolb!

30.   Dolphins – Up 15-0 with 3 minutes versus the Broncos, and they get a back slap from god himself!  There is no stopping Divine intervention.

31.   Rams – When you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Sam Bradford goes down with an injury. On the bright side, they should get a high draft pick to help out on offense.

32    Colts – Not sure what #5 means to this chick, but I am sure she didn’t paint the number on her body because Kerry Collins wears it.  Maybe it’s the number of dudes she hooked up with this weekend because of the Colts 62-7 loss to the Saints, either way its super hot.  What is not hot is her messy room!  What a slob!

Out of Jive - Jaguars

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Only undefeated team left and winter is approaching, now go try to beat them in Lambeau.

2.      Patriots – Pats, Pats, Pats…  Looks like a 13-3 year or better is inevitable.

3.     49ers – With Cleveland coming into town, looks like the Niners will keep rolling.

4.     Saints – 62-7, nuff said.   

5.      Steelers – Slow start, but Big Ben and the boys are back to their winning ways.

Out of Live – Lions, Ravens 

The Colts get CRUSHED on SNF - Note to Colt Fans.

After a 62-7 beat down by the Saints, we could only find one guy who still thought the Colts actually had a defense and that they were the #1 team!  Like you, we are questioning his mental capacity.

Saints quarterback Drew Brees completed 31 of 35 passes in the victory and had 325 yards and 5 touchdowns!  Perfection is his middle name, actually its Christopher – but who really cares.

For you Colt Fans, it cannot get worse than a 55 point loss and a 0-7 start, but here are a few things to look forward to in the next 10 months.

1.       Getting Peyton Manning back – This guy seems to be worth 10-12 wins all by himself, he is the most valuable player in a team sport since Eddie Gaedel.  

2.       Drafting Andrew Luck – Having him learn under Peyton Manning would be like a modern day Plato being taught by Socrates' equivalent.

3.       Getting a Win – Colt fans have been spoiled with 10 plus win seasons for many years. Sucks to be 0-7, but when you get that first win after this losing streak it is going to be like a crack heads first hit of crack after withdrawal.   Sit back and enjoy it!

4.       Drunk/Depressed Female Fans – Always looking for a warm shoulder to cry on.

5.       Training Camp – Since 2011 is a no-show, start planning for 2012 – Peyton’s comeback year!

The Jive and Live Five – Week 6

The Jive Five

28.   Jaguars –This team should just move to L.A.

29.   Cardinals –Larry Fitzgerald got his contract, but that’s all he got.  Kurt Warner’s phone is ringing.

30.   Colts – Painter may be painting a life size portrait of Andrew Luck for Jim Irsay.

31.   Rams – The pick up of Brandon Lloyd should help this useless receiving corps, if Sam Bradford can get healthy they may step it up.

32    Dolphins - Matt Moore should change his name to Matt Less.  Good thing the Dolphin fans have girls like this to make life a bit more enjoyable during these rough times.

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Aaron Rodgers has lived up to his billing.  Will be top 3 overall fantasy pick in 2012 if he keeps it up.

2.      Ravens – Next three are Jags, Cardinals and Seahawks.  I don’t see them losing.

3.     Patriots – The Cowboys played them tough, but Brady was Brady again in the final 2 minutes.  

4.     49ers -  Jim Harbaugh may get this team to 13-3 and have a first round bye in the playoffs.  Amazing being they did NOTHING during the off season.

5.      Lions – I am convinced that the Lions lost Sunday’s game because the Booty Lounge was impounded.  Free the Booty Lounge! 

Guru - Week 6 Picks

I had a terrible week last week going 0-3-0, all bad losses.  Brings my dismal season totals to 4-8-0.  Looking to rebound this week with the following.

Here is my Cheerleader of the week: Buffalo Jill - Miranda, is ready for some action!

Bills +3.5 at the Giants - Eli throws Madd picks, the Bills love pick sixes. Bills win this game.

Colts +7 at the Bengals - One of the teams that may be as bad as the Colts is the Bengals.  How is a rookie quarterback getting 7 points over Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis?  They are going to smash the orange out of his hair.

Bears -3 vs. the Vikings - Bears should handle the Vikings at home this week.  The Vikings are still the terrible team that we saw weeks 1-4.

The Live and Jive Five - Week 5

The Jive Five

28.   Cardinals – 4 losses in a row has the state of Arizona looking to deport Kevin Kolb to Mexico.

29.   Dolphins – The only thing that kept this team from falling lower is that they had a bye.  Will be 0-5, at NY Jets next week.

30.   Eagles – Holy Moly! Talk about a bad situation.  This team made my Jive Five 2 weeks ago as a joke, but they have lived up to their ranking.  Vick may go back to holding dog fights to get away from this losing team.

31.   Rams – Had a Bye this week, may be the only week they don’t get a loss.  It’s not looking too promising for the 32^nd ranked offense verses the #1 ranked Packers next week.

32    Colts – The above picture explains how Colt fans feel when they wake up every day.

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Big second half by the Pack - if the defense figures it out, it’s over!

2.      Lions – First 5-0 start since 1956, imagine the NFL was still locked out – we would all still think that the Lions suck.

3.      Ravens – Bye week for these guys..  Resting up to put the hammer down on the quick dropping Texans.

4.      Patriots – Not sure if they have a defense, but the offense seems like it can play both sides of the ball if needed.

5.      Saints – Almost took it deep from the Camthers, but they came back like an oral herpes outbreak on Bourbon Street during Marti Gras. 

The Jive and Live Five – Week 4

The Jive Five

28.   Dolphins – Tony Sparano is officially on the chopping block, tough go in the AFC east for the Phins.

29.   Eagles – The 1-3 dream team is playing like a peewee squad.  WTF was Ronnie Brown thinking?

30.   Colts – It’s amazing how much one person can mean to a team.   The Colts suck without Peyton Manning.

31.   Rams – This team has zero offensive threats, it’s going to be a tough year for young Sam Bradford.

32    Vikings – Thought this picture would cheer you Viking fans up.  It was much better than my second choice, which involved Brett Farve, Donovan McNabb, a donkey, a case of Ensure and seat less chaps.

The Live Five

1.       Packers – Aaron Rodgers is your first quarter MVP.

2.       Saints – They are dancing in the urine scented streets of the French Quarter.

3.       Lions – It only took 50 years, but Detroit has finally built a contender.

4.       Ravens – Dismantled the Jets on Sunday night, they made Mark Sanchez look like Matt Leinart.

5.       Texans – Its going to be tough if they are missing big Andre the next few weeks, but the Texans are looking sharp thus far.

Colts to sign Orlovsky, Painter back to working on his hair.

Kerry Collins was a terrible signing, Orlovsky may be a little better..  Do you think the Colts skipped on David Garrard because of money?  I hope not.  Do you think the Colts are throwing away the year to get Andrew Luck and groom him like the Packers did with Aaron Rodgers?  Crazier things have happened.

I don't care what the Scholar says, This guy is a clown:

Colts are now Painted!

Although Big Ben Rothlessrapest squeezed out of that bathroom stall of a Sunday night game with a win, the steel city almost was left with the taste of Paint(er) chips in their mouth. Once I saw Kerry “Silverback” Collins go down, I knew exactly what would follow, due to previous performance. Curtis Painter single handily blew a 2nd half lead in week 16 of 2009 season, which allowed the Jets to make the playoffs and brought on their 1st of two AFC championship runs. "The Painter" (given the nickname for his weekday job) played his usual game, doing everything humanly possible to lose.

The Colts are fully feeling the wrath of not having an NFL caliber back up QB. Colts owner, Jim Irsey had this to say about Painter before tweeting that Peyton Manning may be back in the end of 2011, "Isn’t our current quarterback the guy that recently painted my house?" Yes Jim, he is!

Guru Week 3 Picks

Falcons +1.5 at the Bucs

I think the elite Falcons will build off of the momentum from last Sundays win against the self proclaimed dream team.  Roddy White and Mr. Ice will prove to be too much for the up and coming Bucs.

Steelers -10.5 at the Colts
The Colts defense has been terrible for years and the offense is terrible without Peyton Manning.  2 terrible units versus one great team means blow out.

Lions -3.5 at the Vikings
I have officially jumped on the Lions bandwagon.  The team is playing great on both sides of the ball and I expect them to continue the trend against the downward trending Vikings.

2011 NFL MVP award announced 16 weeks prematurely

In stunning fashion, the NFL has decided to award its 2011 MVP honor to Peyton Manning before week 3 of the season. Peyton is now a 5 time NFL MVP to go along with his 11 pro-bowl selections.

The Indianapolis Colts have won their division 7 of the past 8 years (99-29 record over that time) as well as capturing the 2006 Super Bowl, are now the leagues bottom feeders without Peyton, which proves the immensity of his value.

Peyton has declined the 2011 MVP award because he feels it should go to someone who will actually play in 2011, but he has accepted the ugly shirt award for 2011 and claims he will cherish it dearly.

Jeff George to come back and take over the Colts offense?

The Indianapolis Colts drafted Jeff George with the #1 overall pick in the 1990 NFL draft. To say it didn't work out would be kind. He cursed the home fans out, fought with his head coach, and held out demanding a trade. George was 14-35 in his four years with the Colts, including that magical 1-15 1991 season. But home is where the heart is, George who was born in Indianapolis stated that he could pick up the Colts offense "in a matter of days" reported Sam Farmer of the LA Times via Twitter on Monday. Look, the Colts are terrible without Manning, why not bring George in? You have to love how Jeff George acts like he has won multiple Super Bowl rings, when really he owns a 46-78 career record as a starting quarterback. Word has it that he is still rocking the pedophile mustache.

The Scholar's Week 2 Picks

Jacksonville +9.5 vs. the Jets

I'm a Jet fan and it's a rare occasion they are essentially 10 pt favorites… I take those opportunities to make a quick buck. The Jets were down 14 pts in the 4th quarter before Romo handed them the game.

Tampa Bay +3 vs. the Vikings
The Bucs are a solid team on the upswing and beating teams like the Vikings at home will build confidence. Back-to-back games vs. NFC North teams is no easy task but I think the Bucs rebound this week against a reeling franchise.

Skins -4 vs. the Cardinals

I don't have much color on this one besides the fact that I think the Skins are better than advertised and the Cards needed a last minute 4th & Goal stop to hold off the rookie qb/rookie coach led Panthers last week.

 

BONUS - Indy – Money Line vs. the Browns

I’ll take the money line on Indy at home against the Brownies. Tough place to pick up a road win with or without Peyton.