The Jive and Live Five – Week 7

The Jive Five

28.   Vikings – Flashes of greatness from Christian Ponder, superstar play from Jared Allen – These guys won’t be here long.

29.   Cardinals – Kevin Kolb seems to have been a bad decision, they are slobbing Kolb!

30.   Dolphins – Up 15-0 with 3 minutes versus the Broncos, and they get a back slap from god himself!  There is no stopping Divine intervention.

31.   Rams – When you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Sam Bradford goes down with an injury. On the bright side, they should get a high draft pick to help out on offense.

32    Colts – Not sure what #5 means to this chick, but I am sure she didn’t paint the number on her body because Kerry Collins wears it.  Maybe it’s the number of dudes she hooked up with this weekend because of the Colts 62-7 loss to the Saints, either way its super hot.  What is not hot is her messy room!  What a slob!

Out of Jive - Jaguars

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Only undefeated team left and winter is approaching, now go try to beat them in Lambeau.

2.      Patriots – Pats, Pats, Pats…  Looks like a 13-3 year or better is inevitable.

3.     49ers – With Cleveland coming into town, looks like the Niners will keep rolling.

4.     Saints – 62-7, nuff said.   

5.      Steelers – Slow start, but Big Ben and the boys are back to their winning ways.

Out of Live – Lions, Ravens 

The Jive and Live Five – Week 6

The Jive Five

28.   Jaguars –This team should just move to L.A.

29.   Cardinals –Larry Fitzgerald got his contract, but that’s all he got.  Kurt Warner’s phone is ringing.

30.   Colts – Painter may be painting a life size portrait of Andrew Luck for Jim Irsay.

31.   Rams – The pick up of Brandon Lloyd should help this useless receiving corps, if Sam Bradford can get healthy they may step it up.

32    Dolphins - Matt Moore should change his name to Matt Less.  Good thing the Dolphin fans have girls like this to make life a bit more enjoyable during these rough times.

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Aaron Rodgers has lived up to his billing.  Will be top 3 overall fantasy pick in 2012 if he keeps it up.

2.      Ravens – Next three are Jags, Cardinals and Seahawks.  I don’t see them losing.

3.     Patriots – The Cowboys played them tough, but Brady was Brady again in the final 2 minutes.  

4.     49ers -  Jim Harbaugh may get this team to 13-3 and have a first round bye in the playoffs.  Amazing being they did NOTHING during the off season.

5.      Lions – I am convinced that the Lions lost Sunday’s game because the Booty Lounge was impounded.  Free the Booty Lounge! 

The Live and Jive Five - Week 5

The Jive Five

28.   Cardinals – 4 losses in a row has the state of Arizona looking to deport Kevin Kolb to Mexico.

29.   Dolphins – The only thing that kept this team from falling lower is that they had a bye.  Will be 0-5, at NY Jets next week.

30.   Eagles – Holy Moly! Talk about a bad situation.  This team made my Jive Five 2 weeks ago as a joke, but they have lived up to their ranking.  Vick may go back to holding dog fights to get away from this losing team.

31.   Rams – Had a Bye this week, may be the only week they don’t get a loss.  It’s not looking too promising for the 32^nd ranked offense verses the #1 ranked Packers next week.

32    Colts – The above picture explains how Colt fans feel when they wake up every day.

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Big second half by the Pack - if the defense figures it out, it’s over!

2.      Lions – First 5-0 start since 1956, imagine the NFL was still locked out – we would all still think that the Lions suck.

3.      Ravens – Bye week for these guys..  Resting up to put the hammer down on the quick dropping Texans.

4.      Patriots – Not sure if they have a defense, but the offense seems like it can play both sides of the ball if needed.

5.      Saints – Almost took it deep from the Camthers, but they came back like an oral herpes outbreak on Bourbon Street during Marti Gras. 

The Jive and Live Five – Week 4

The Jive Five

28.   Dolphins – Tony Sparano is officially on the chopping block, tough go in the AFC east for the Phins.

29.   Eagles – The 1-3 dream team is playing like a peewee squad.  WTF was Ronnie Brown thinking?

30.   Colts – It’s amazing how much one person can mean to a team.   The Colts suck without Peyton Manning.

31.   Rams – This team has zero offensive threats, it’s going to be a tough year for young Sam Bradford.

32    Vikings – Thought this picture would cheer you Viking fans up.  It was much better than my second choice, which involved Brett Farve, Donovan McNabb, a donkey, a case of Ensure and seat less chaps.

The Live Five

1.       Packers – Aaron Rodgers is your first quarter MVP.

2.       Saints – They are dancing in the urine scented streets of the French Quarter.

3.       Lions – It only took 50 years, but Detroit has finally built a contender.

4.       Ravens – Dismantled the Jets on Sunday night, they made Mark Sanchez look like Matt Leinart.

5.       Texans – Its going to be tough if they are missing big Andre the next few weeks, but the Texans are looking sharp thus far.

The Live and Jive Five - Week 3

On this blog, as you can see, we try to accentuate the faults in professionals.  It’s just more fun to do, so without haste here is my: picks

The Jive Five (AKA the Luck Five)

28.   Eagles – No way they are on this list at the end of the year, but it is fun to put them on here after that terrible loss versus the Giants.  Team is way too overconfident.

29.   Vikings – 3 big first half leads, 3 losses.  Can’t just be bad conditioning.

30.   Colts – The QB situation is probably as bad as it gets, you have an old man and a part time painter to choose from.  They put all their eggs in one basket.

31.   Chiefs – The only one that hasn’t torn an ACL on this team is the coach.  I hear he is looking to get hurt too in order to collect workers comp.

32     Rams – Playing so poorly that even the refs want to punch them in the face.

Here are the top teams in the NFL, not nearly as much fun to write about.

The Live Five

1.       Packers – Top Dogs, they should be Lambeau leaping all year.

2.       Saints – Only blemish is their road loss to the Pack on opening night.

3.       Lions – Came back from 20-0 to beat the Vikings on the road. Lions looking good, Vikings looking real bad.

4.       Ravens – The offense lost a bunch of players, but is looking more potent than ever.

5.       Bills – That’s right! Buffalo beat New England for the first time in 387 attempts.  The Bills now know what all other business owners have known for a while, always target Harvard grads to head your most important business unit.