The Jive and Live Five – Week 7

The Jive Five

28.   Vikings – Flashes of greatness from Christian Ponder, superstar play from Jared Allen – These guys won’t be here long.

29.   Cardinals – Kevin Kolb seems to have been a bad decision, they are slobbing Kolb!

30.   Dolphins – Up 15-0 with 3 minutes versus the Broncos, and they get a back slap from god himself!  There is no stopping Divine intervention.

31.   Rams – When you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Sam Bradford goes down with an injury. On the bright side, they should get a high draft pick to help out on offense.

32    Colts – Not sure what #5 means to this chick, but I am sure she didn’t paint the number on her body because Kerry Collins wears it.  Maybe it’s the number of dudes she hooked up with this weekend because of the Colts 62-7 loss to the Saints, either way its super hot.  What is not hot is her messy room!  What a slob!

Out of Jive - Jaguars

The Live Five

1.      Packers – Only undefeated team left and winter is approaching, now go try to beat them in Lambeau.

2.      Patriots – Pats, Pats, Pats…  Looks like a 13-3 year or better is inevitable.

3.     49ers – With Cleveland coming into town, looks like the Niners will keep rolling.

4.     Saints – 62-7, nuff said.   

5.      Steelers – Slow start, but Big Ben and the boys are back to their winning ways.

Out of Live – Lions, Ravens 

TJ Lang gets kicked in the NUTS!

In a surprisingly close game Vikings defensive end Brian Robison decided to take a cheap shot at the Packers TJ Lang that his bladder will not forget anytime soon.  Robison received a penalty for unnecessary roughness for putting the crack on Mr. Langs Schwang and caused his team 15 important yards in their 33-27 loss yesterday.  Ouch!

Christian Ponder to Start for the Vikings

Move over Donovan McNabb, the new starting quarterback in Minnesota is Christian Ponder. This is the second year in a row that McNabb has been benched for another QB, I wonder if he will ever get another chance. The Vikings are terrible, this only cements that fact. Speaking of cement, Ponders Girlfriend Kacie McDonnell is known for making dudes pitch cement tent posts when encountered. Must be nice to be Christian.

A Serious Halftime Pep Talk!

Giving a halftime speech that would make Vince Lombardi proud, Tony Ngyuen the offensive coordinator of the Minnesota Valkyrie laces into his team for poor blocking that lead to a broken wrist of starting QB Jana Skrtic. And who said that Lingerie football is not serious? Tell me a team like the Minnesota Vikings couldn't use a coach like this guy Ngyuen after Sunday nights joke of a performance against the Chicago Bears. Hell the Vikings would probably be better off starting Jana Skrtic over Donovan McNabb at QB. BTW, in a battle for the ages, the Los Angeles Temptation beat the Valkyrie 28-7.

The Jive and Live Five – Week 4

The Jive Five

28.   Dolphins – Tony Sparano is officially on the chopping block, tough go in the AFC east for the Phins.

29.   Eagles – The 1-3 dream team is playing like a peewee squad.  WTF was Ronnie Brown thinking?

30.   Colts – It’s amazing how much one person can mean to a team.   The Colts suck without Peyton Manning.

31.   Rams – This team has zero offensive threats, it’s going to be a tough year for young Sam Bradford.

32    Vikings – Thought this picture would cheer you Viking fans up.  It was much better than my second choice, which involved Brett Farve, Donovan McNabb, a donkey, a case of Ensure and seat less chaps.

The Live Five

1.       Packers – Aaron Rodgers is your first quarter MVP.

2.       Saints – They are dancing in the urine scented streets of the French Quarter.

3.       Lions – It only took 50 years, but Detroit has finally built a contender.

4.       Ravens – Dismantled the Jets on Sunday night, they made Mark Sanchez look like Matt Leinart.

5.       Texans – Its going to be tough if they are missing big Andre the next few weeks, but the Texans are looking sharp thus far.

Guru - Week 4 Picks

Jets +3.5 at the Ravens

These teams played last year on opening day and the Ravens won that contest 10-9. This game will be close again, Rex will have his team ready to play after that sub-par performance last week against the Raiders.

Redskins Pick’em at the Rams
The Rams have been making so many mistakes and have been playing some of the worst football in the NFL. The Skins look much improved, and I expect them to pick up the road win at St.Louis this week to stay in the NFC east mix.

Patriots -4 at the Raiders
The Pats were ambushed by a series of great plays by the Bills last week, and were stunned by losing to them for the first time in 15 games. I expect Belichick to have his team ready for the Raiders this week, they should win by more than a touchdown.

Bonus Pick

Vikings -1.5 at the Chiefs
The Vikings are playing great ball in the first half of games so far this year, only to break down after half time and lose. They will jump on the Chiefs early again, but this time they will hold on for the win.

Guru Week 3 Picks

Falcons +1.5 at the Bucs

I think the elite Falcons will build off of the momentum from last Sundays win against the self proclaimed dream team.  Roddy White and Mr. Ice will prove to be too much for the up and coming Bucs.

Steelers -10.5 at the Colts
The Colts defense has been terrible for years and the offense is terrible without Peyton Manning.  2 terrible units versus one great team means blow out.

Lions -3.5 at the Vikings
I have officially jumped on the Lions bandwagon.  The team is playing great on both sides of the ball and I expect them to continue the trend against the downward trending Vikings.